Mindful BMX

It has been a while since I last wrote here, and it is time I opened up more about my own struggles. I have discussed why I started Mindful BMX and my aims, which I’ve been missing due to beginning in a new workplace. Sometimes, we never show a complete picture, which is okay; we can keep our lives to ourselves. I will talk about how I am realising ADHD is affecting BMX and my life.

Years back, I managed to bang myself on my head; I lost my sense of hearing in one ear and my balance skills. There have been other issues, but some of those are tied into what may now have been a misdiagnosis. I recently went through many tests, and the NHS changed my diagnosis to having ADHD and RSD.

The new diagnosis is good, as now I can develop strategies tied to my condition rather than constantly wondering why strategies didn’t work or made me feel worse.

Before we carry on though, I don’t want to claim I was ever amazing or “the best” at BMX, I was your general middle of the road rider.

The issues

One of the biggest stumbling blocks for people with ADHD is low self-esteem, and it has been a nightmare for me since I banged my head. The biggest issue is that I compare myself to where I used to be. It can be devastating at times, and it really hampers my progress.

I spend so much time worrying about what other people think that I either can’t leave the house, only do the few tricks I can do in my sleep, or sit at the side and then go. It brings to mind the idea that comparison is the thief of joy.

The times I manage to overcome my self-esteem issues, I will have a great session. I might not even land a single trick, but I’ll have the best time rolling around and falling. Which is the majority of BMX when your balance is fucked.

Enter flatland

I was never the best flatland rider; I discovered you got more props for going fast and doing a gap to smith. Looking back on it, it was precisely what my ADHD needed. I focused on that; my self-esteem was held up, and the dopamine boost was huge. Flatland was just a monumental task without the dopamine boost, so I would only dabble here and there.

When I look back, it seems crazy that I based my riding style around a mental health issue, then when I take a few other minutes to think about it, it makes total sense, as how could it not be?

Now that I have essentially restarted my BMX career, after a hard reset, I’ve looked more and more at flatland. I have still had many false starts as I tried to progress. I have been guilty of aiming too high and being hyper-focused for one week and not for the next 20 weeks. I still find it super hard to ride and not just take another bike and be good at that genre of cycling. It is a battle, possibly more with myself than with the sport.

The most brutal weeks are when I let my self-esteem creep in. I should be better. I have done this before, why not now? I can destroy myself with these messages. The self-esteem issues can spiral, bring on anxiety, and then spiral from there.

Overcoming

Honestly, I don’t want to say I’ve overcome this, as who knows if I ever will? Some weeks, I am better at managing my feelings and emotions; others, I can be a mess.

I have, though, started to use the small victories of balancing longer, rolling longer, and not falling as victories. Now, I’ve re-framed them to get dopamine boosts for them. I can push myself until the next time my self-esteem takes a dip.